Hey there Reader,

A few of you got in touch after last week’s email and your insights had me reflecting.

Someone said they feel a common experience in relation to self-advocacy is people getting defensive whenever someone tries to be honest about their needs.

That defensiveness often teaches us, through repetition, that it isn’t safe to have needs at all.

This is so common.

So lets talk about guilt and boundaries.

Specifically, why setting a boundary so often feels like you’ve done something wrong.

Guilt is what you feel when you’ve done something wrong.

You broke a rule.

You did something you knew wasn’t okay.

That’s guilt.

So why are so many of us walking around feeling guilty for… having needs?

Needs aren’t wrong.

They’re human.

Every single person has them.

You’re allowed to have them, and you’re allowed to meet them.

What I think is actually happening is that we’ve become accustomed to a world that says you must put other people’s needs first.

Your boss’s deadline.

Your family’s comfort.

The room’s energy.

Your own needs?

Those can wait.

Hear that message enough times, and your brain starts to accept it as truth.

There’s even a name for it: the illusory truth effect.

Repetition alone can make something feel real, even when it isn’t.

You don’t have to be told directly that your needs don’t matter.

The indirect message does the job just as well.

And then there’s the defensiveness.

Not everyone will be happy when you start speaking up for yourself — particularly the people who’ve had it easy because you didn’t.

I’ve experienced this first hand.

People who’d had plenty of value from my lack of boundaries became defensive and critical the moment I started holding them.

That hurts. I won’t pretend it doesn’t.

But I’ve come to understand that how someone responds when you set a boundary tells you far more about them than it does about you.

Defensiveness usually means something has been disrupted for them, NOT that you’ve done something wrong.

And that’s worth getting curious about, not just in others, but in yourself too.

If you notice a strong reaction rising in you, that’s an invitation to ask why — with kindness and curiosity, not judgement.

So if you’re someone who feels guilty every time you try to set a healthy boundary, remember this: you’re not being selfish, and you haven’t done anything wrong.

You’ve just been told, in a hundred subtle ways, that your needs are inconvenient.

They’re not.

The people in your life who celebrate your boundaries — who actually want you to show up as a full, healthy human being — spend more time with them.

The ones who don’t? You’re allowed to create distance.

Your energy will thank you for it.

Let me know what you think. Hit reply and let me know where you’re at with this — whether that’s a light bulb moment, a bit of resistance, or something in between.

Best and brightest love

Beth x

P.S. This month we’re going deep on boundaries and self-advocacy. If you’re in Curious Minds, bring this to the community — it’s exactly the kind of thing worth talking through together. Not in yet? [Join us here.]